1) Your grocery bill quadruples on account of diapers, breast pads, and "feminine napkins."
2) You feel like you struck the lottery if you get more than three hours of sleep at a time.
3) Your garbage consumption multiplies exponentially overnight (likely related to item 1).
4) Your typical reading changes from "Good to Great" or "Competitive Strategy" to"Baby Wise," "What to Expect," or "The Happiest Baby on the Block."
5) Breasts are all business, all day, every day - no exceptions
6) Instead of tracking trending of regional housing values or international economies, your spreadsheets track and graph nursing trends and the frequency and nature of dirty diapers.
7) You may discover errant feces on any part of your body at any time. It's probably not yours, but still. . .
8) Alarmingly, you don't panic at said errant feces from item 7. You may find this difficult to reconcile.
9) You find that you have a preference between handling projectile vomiting or projectile diarrhea. Not that you have a choice, but the fact that you have a preference at all seems a little twisted.
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| *Edited for content. The top half of this picture (not shown) is both horrifying and hilarious. |
10) The line separating six weeks and forever is alarmingly blurred. Six. friggin'. weeks.
11) You don't work out at the gym anymore, but you may have developed a custom arm, shoulder, traps, core, and leg toning program based on one 8 pound weight. Don't worry, this weight should increase by around 1 oz. per day (but try to control your own).
12) You may feel regret for not paying better attention to lyrics during singing time in Primary. Most lullaby's and songs invariably turn to "bloo bloo, blee blah, zong dee zee dong."
13) You and your wife hold a small celebration every time your baby burps, farts, or poops. You still cry after the blowouts.
14) You notice an increase in flatulence on account of bouncing four hours a day. Just go with it - baby can use the pointers and your wife will appreciate less poo-particles in the bed.
15) You will likely experience a redistribution of hair from your head to your middle and upper back. No words of comfort on this one.
16) By the time 8:30 PM rolls around, you and your wife have the same thing on your minds. . . bedtime (sleeping, specifically).
17) Your vocal cords will tighten significantly when communicating with your baby, resulting in a pinched contra tenor or higher voice register. Low-register grunting from time to time will reassure yourself and others of your masculinity.
18) Despite quizzical stares from bystanders, you probably wear a diaper bag with pride. As long as you're not wearing an outfit to match the bag, this is perfectly normal.
19) You're certain that the greatest gift you can give the world is to give everyone a glimpse of your baby. Just be sure to be sensitive to others whose children are not nearly as cute as yours, okay?
20) Your life is completely turned upside down, but you find that you wouldn't trade it for the world (even though sometimes you want to shoot yourself in the face).
Welcome to fatherhood, you studly man. High fives all around!
1 comment:
You are so incrdibly funny Richie Pie! I love to read what you have written! Thank you for sharing that with me. I love you man!
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